76% on the Shit-o-meter

Just finished watching a screener copy of Paranormal Activity that I downloaded received legitimately and WOW, what a flaming sack of buttholes.  My initial thought after the credits began to roll was that the audience from the trailer who were shown recoiling in terror must have been watching a different movie than I was.  There were exactly zero scenes in this movie where I could fathom someone being even mildly startled by.  However, after doing a little research on the internet I discovered that the theatrical ending had been changed from the one on the screener copy that I had received.  I decided that I would give the movie a fair chance to redeem itself and so I sought out the theatrical ending, once again in a totally legitimate fashion.  After having seen the actual ending, I can assuredly say that I understand the audience’s reaction in the trailer.  I mean this not as a compliment, but as a testament to the horrid pacing of the film.  Basically, the movie is a ninety minute setup for a cheap scare that lasts all of thirty seconds and was shown in the trailer.  If you want to be startled by monsters jumping out at you, I can think of at least a dozen movies off hand that do it better and more frequently.

It really is kind of sad when a movie’s major selling point is that it was made for around $11,000. It definitely shows too.  There are only four characters and one location in the whole movie.  It also goes to show how successful a movie can be with the right amount of hype and clever marketing.  I’m considering calling up these guys and pitching a new idea I have for shit on a stick.  If they can turn this steaming pile into almost $100 million in profit, I can only imagine what they could do with turd kabobs.  I honestly didn’t buy the hype on this one and sat down to watch it with no expectations at all.  I took a gamble and reasoned that I’d either be pleasantly surprised or enraged beyond reason.  I think you can probably figure out which one transpired by now.

Then, there’s the acting.  I’ve seen more convincing performances on WWE Smackdown.  I’m not entirely sure that the movie even had a script after witnessing the unrealistic, inane dialogue between the two main characters.  I have no problem with improvisation, but babbling incoherently about George W. giving guns to dogs does not a compelling conversation make.  Here’s another helpful hint for the director, character development consists of more than discussions about your career and how you’ve been haunted by some type of demon for your whole life.  Apparently, Steven Spielberg is responsible for bringing this movie to the mainstream after seeing and falling in love with it.  I was initially surprised that such an acclaimed and talented director would subject the public to the likes of Paranormal Activity.  However, after much deliberation, I realized that this is the same doddering fool that thought it would be a good idea to introduce an infirmed Indiana Jones to a race of alien species.

Logistics are typically the area where I have the most problems with movies, and suprisingly this one is relatively  sound.  The only major problem I really had was that the husband continues to mock the entity and refuses to call the demonoligist even after a ouija board catches on fire and demon footprints are found leading to the bed.  I consider myself to be the staunchest of skeptics, but I would seriously reconsider my own ideals if I were to capture absolute proof of an otherworldly entity on video.

I can honestly say that this movie had a vast amount of potential.  It could have been truly amazing if it were perhaps, a five minute short film on Youtube.  I’ve heard the defense that Paranormal Activity is a “psychological” horror movie.  I rarely see such subtle and minimalistic filmmaking as this, so yes it technically is “psychological”.  I think what really bothers me about that defense is that the movie is classified in the horror genre.  The most horrific thing about this movie, is that I sat through ninety minutes of horseshit.  In return, the movie rewarded me with a scene in which a possessed Katie murders Micah off camera.  After a pause that’s just long enough to build up a slight amount of tension, she throws something at the camera (the big scare) and finally lunges at it.  The whereabouts of her are still unknown?  Fucking really?  Alternately, after she murders him she sits at the edge of the bed for a couple of days and is gunned down by police after lunging at them with a knife.

I may have just dropped some major spoilers in case you were wondering.  At least now you don’t have to waste your time on this piece of shit movie.  I wish someone would have spoiled it for me, but unfortunately I will never be able to get those ninety minutes of my life back.  So, you know what?  You’re welcome.  If you want to check out a real psychological horror, go watch Rosemary’s Baby or any Hitchcock film.  If it’s a fake documentary you’re interested in, skip this and Blair Witch and take a gander at 1980’s Cannibal Holocaust.  The acting and premise are no more believable, but at least that movie had some truly unnerving scenes in it.

*Extra points were deducted for logistical soundness and because I actually managed to stay awake through the entire movie.  The Shit-o-meter is graded on a reverse scale where %0 = acceptable and %100 = total shit.

Met some cool people during my honeymoon this past June, but these guys were by far the most macho.